Blame
by Izzu
Summary: It's all his fault. Spoilers up to 36.


A/N: Tying up loose ends

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Blame

By Izzu

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He screwed up. Badly.

It's not just Sid. Or Ryoma. Turned out he also screwed up on another most important person in his life. The one he most direly want to protect with all his being.

Somehow... he can't help feeling responsible. Because when you put it all together, it all comes back to him. The more he thought about it, the more he felt... if he had to fault _them_ for turning out that way; he have to also fault himself. For making them end up the way they did.

It was his fault. Because he did not spend the time he should... with the people that was important to him. All of this... was his fault.

Even if everything that happened to Zawame now... was because he was _not around_.

If it was possible to turn back time. If only he could turn back time and put right to everything.

Then again, even if he could... could he even _change_ anything?

Maybe... maybe not.

Still.

It does not change the fact that he had a lot of regrets now. He cannot help himself thinking back on how he could have done things differently.

Like how he could have at least spared a moment to thank Sid properly for everything he have done for the sake of the project and for him. He had a lot of chances like that where he could have done it... but didn't. After all, the person who had spent a lot of time at work with him other than Ryoma was... _Sid_.

Back then... he could have been able to talk to Sid about other things besides work. Then perhaps, if he had done that... Sid probably wouldn't have felt like he was treated poorly. That Sid's presence by his side was not _just_ as his underling , but also as a trusted friend. Because he did... placed a lot of trust on Sid. He wished he could have conveyed at least that much to Sid before he died. Or at least conveyed that he did... _appreciated_ everything Sid had done for him.

Yes, at times he had been harsh on Sid and make him do a lot of work without rest. But that doesn't mean that he thought lowly of Sid. Though sometimes he could not help being angry at Sid. Especially about not telling him about Mitsuzane. For allowing Mitsuzane be involved in such danger without _actively_ letting him know about it. Because Sid _knew_ how much he cared about that child.

He could have been able to get to know Sid better... more than just what he already knew about the man from their younger days.

Same could be said about Ryoma. To be honest, he didn't know that Ryoma regarded him so highly. Because he himself didn't feel that he was that great a figure that Ryoma envisioned in his mind. It was something... he never gave thought. He never even thought he had any special qualities that warrant such treatment. Like how... from his own Sengoku Driver, Ryoma planted an introduction that usually designated to 'lords' of higher stature. Lords of the Sengoku period no less.

He should have been more alert back then. Not just from the very beginning when they started Project Ark, but also during that _time_. When Ryoma had snapped and cry out that he had been doing everything for his sake. He should have realized then. He should... have talked to Ryoma about it.

That having almost died that time _scared_ him. That every time they attempted another test run... he had to struggle with his own fears to go through with it. Thinking that by bearing all of that pain, he could help out to create the device that could save everyone. Because that way, he could protect everyone. Protect Mitsuzane, Ryoma, Sid... his important employees and their families, and many others.

Because that way... he could at least have a purpose in his life. To have a meaningful life, to play his role in the greater scheme... or something like that. Then again... it's not like he had any other aspirations.

He should have been more considerate to Ryoma, and not be so oblivious. Because he should have noticed it that time! How Ryoma's voice was almost breaking when he just dismissed Ryoma's opinions about becoming the ruler of everyone. How Ryoma had spoken out so passionately, only to receive a harsh rejection.

But who was he kidding? Even if he wanted to be nicer to Ryoma, that guy always had a way to make people be annoyed at him. Ryoma, had always the habit of showing his affections in an annoying way (or was it just at him?) and the man's not really very honest to other people _especially_ about _himself_.

Most of all, his greatest folly was... that he screwed up badly in raising Mitsuzane. He regretted being so strict with that child. And a part of him wondered if it was possible to retrieve back the child he most loved and cherished. His heart ached at the thought that he might not. Because nothing else mattered more to him than that child. The one, he most desperately want to protect.

He can't help feeling burdened.

Because looking at his brother, he could see the _old_ him. He could see everything, every value that he ever taught and raised Mitsuzane with. He had exactly... raised Mitsuzane into a shadow of him. It was an irony.

Long ago, he told himself that he would raise Mitsuzane much better than how their father had raised him. But turned out he was no different.

Perhaps the only thing that separated him and his father was... he did loved and cherished Mitsuzane with all of his heart. And unlike their father, he would never abandon his brother.

What happened to Mitsuzane was his fault. If anyone need to set the child straight, it should be him. That task should be his alone.

He couldn't do anything more for Sid, and he might as well let other people deal with Ryoma. But one thing for certain, if there was still something that he could do...

... he would try his best to save his precious brother.

Whether or not it should come to a fight between life and death, he hoped it wouldn't have to be.


End file.
